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Dreams

15 Tuesday Apr 2014

Posted by Jean in Grief, Uncategorized

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Tags

death of spouse, dreams of dead spouse, grief, how to handle grief

Generally my dreams of William have been joyful ones, at least until I wake up and realize I was dreaming. They consist of various versions of “Honey I’m home!” and last only a few seconds until I leap up in shocked surprise and grab him in a bearhug that would crush a car.

But yesterday, as I dozed resting my back, I dreamed that John and I had gone to Disneyland. I’ve never been to a theme park of any kind, and in this dream Disneyland was only about an hour drive from our house. Somehow, John and I got separated in this vast park and I spent hours rolling my manual wheelchair through miles upon miles of rides, restaurants, vendors, through maze-like corridors in beautifully appointed buildings, up ramps and down until my arms could absolutely do no more.

Lost, terrified, helpless, too exhausted to move, I burst into hopeless sobs. A hand grasped my shoulder, and I turned to see William there. “Hey, it’s okay. You’re alright. You’re fine. I’m here. I found you.” And for that second, it was indeed the happiest place on earth.

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Reclaimed Cabinet Door Serving Trays

14 Monday Apr 2014

Posted by Jean in Uncategorized, Wood Crafts

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DIY, do it yourself, home decor, how to make serving trays, serving trays, wood craft

Most of the old cabinet doors we found on Craig’s List were the sizes we wanted to make a surround for the grill, planter boxes, and bench seats. I also spied a few odd sized doors there and immediately knew they’d make great serving trays so I loaded those up too. I mean, if I’m going to have a nice new patio one day, I’m going to want to serve food out there right?

This is an extremely easy project, and is only time consuming because of the wait times for paint and poly to dry. Unless you just like hanging out watching paint dry, you can go back to whatever else you need to do.

For the project you will need:

1. An old cabinet door, preferably unpainted. If the door is painted you can either strip it or let the old paint become one of the colors in the finished project. 2. A sample jar of paint in what ever color appeals to you. 3. Stain. I use MinWax Espresso. On used cabinet doors, I find a dark stain makes a more noticeable difference and adds to the “old” look I’m trying to achieve. 4. Medium grade sand paper. 5. High Durability polyurethane. 6. Door pulls.

cabinettray1This reclaimed cabinet door had seen some abuse. It started as a golden oak, then apparently someone had applied a polyshade to one side (good grief, they didn’t even do both sides, didn’t that bug them whenever they opened that door?).

cabinettray2I had seen someone refurbish an old dresser using red paint and then distressing it. I liked it so I thought I’d use that on my trays. Everyone needs a dash of red somewhere. I picked up a sample jar of red which is enough to do probably 6 of these trays. I didn’t even try to paint a nice even coat. I just slapped it on the door in a medium thickness coat. Once dry, I went over them with a medium grit sand paper to get through the paint, through the polystain, and through the original stain in some areas, and to rough up the paint a bit all round.

cabinettray3After wiping off the sanding dust I liberally coated both doors with stain and let it set in for 10-15 minutes before thoroughly wiping it off. This will take at least two rags to remove all the excess stain.

cabinettray4Now you can see the aged look the stain gives to the red and how it darkens the original wood.

cabinettray5Once the stain has cured and there are no sticky spots or glistening stain on the doors. Apply at least two coats of High Durability polyurethane. You won’t be able to slice cheese on these trays, but you want to be able to wipe salsa off of them easily. If you want to have a tray that you can put food directly on, get an untreated, unstained wood board and apply a non-toxic, food grade oil before adding the handles. The handles I used for these trays are reclaimed cabinet door pulls I found at the Habitat for Humanity ReStore. Once the urethane cures and hardens, it will hold up just fine to the normal abuse from chip and dip bowls, popcorn bowls, coffee cups, cold drinks, etc.and it will wipe clean with a damp rag.

No one says you have to use this weathered look and go through these steps. If you like lime green, purple, black, gold leaf, polka dots or whatever your heart desires, just paint your doors the way you love, rough the paint up just a little and urethane it before adding the handles.

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Busted Bullnose Corners- Billiam’s List

10 Thursday Apr 2014

Posted by Jean in Home and other Repairs, Uncategorized

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One of the first projects I tackled on Billiam’s List, was repairing the dented, scarred and popped out bullnose corners in our house. Our 6-pack a day builder had not bothered with screws, he’d just planted the corners in sheetrock mud and painted over them. Of course, within months they’d pulled away from the dry wall in spots, if we banged them with anything at all they’d dent and pop away from the wall quite a lot. When we thought about what to do about them, all William could think of was to replace them entirely and this seemed a bit daunting at the time.

bustedbullnose1

After the memorial service was out of the way, I’d given a bright white coat of paint to most of the doors in the house and needed to line up another project quickly to continue keeping my mind, heart and hands busy. The fresh new paint seemed to highlight the horrid looking wall corners throughout the den (we’re talking every corner), so I started the Google search for replacing bullnose corners to see if it was something I could handle. That search led to finding out that people actually repair that stuff and don’t try to replace it unless it’s absolutely beyond all help. Who knew? Well, you likely did, but I didn’t.

The fix would require a bucket of sheetrock mud, a can of spray on texture, a putty knife, sand paper and matching paint. I had the putty knife. All I knew about the paint was that it was called Apple Butter. I’d bought it three years before when I repainted the house while William was in the hospital having tandem bone marrow transplants as treatment for his Hodgkin Lymphoma. I needed walls I could wipe with disinfectant to keep the house as germ free as possible. Lesson 1., Many, if not most, people probably know this but I did not. The big home improvement stores regularly retire their paint colors, every year to two years. This practice basically forces us to repaint entire rooms every year or two in order to keep them looking neat (unless you don’t bang into stuff, have ill behaved pets, and don’t leave finger prints) Because I knew the name of the color and the brand, the store was only able to tell me the paint had been discontinued and if they mixed it, it probably wouldn’t match the wall color. I had them mix a sample, took it home and painted over a couple of small scratches. It looked perfect so I had them mix up a gallon. Lesson 2., was learning that I should have waited a few days for the scratch test paint to cure to it’s final color.

Thinking the paint was a match and having collected the other supplies, I began on the frightening project of making the bullnose corners look even worse so that I could repair them. Taking the putty knife I scraped all of the old paint and texture off of and away from the damaged areas.

bustedbullnose2

The point of no return, knowing that this could easily end up being an uglier aggravation than the dented, buckled and scarred corners had been. Once this part was finished on eight (8) corners. I quickly proceeded to the next step, mostly driven by the terror of “oh my lord what have I gotten myself into this time?”

bustedbullnose3

First I used drywall screws to actually screw the damaged sections back into place and keep them there firmly. Using a small hammer, I carefully tapped the dents into as close to their original shape as possible. Next, I began applying the drywall mud. This part took me a lot longer than it took the guys in the YouTube videos, mainly because, again, driven by terror, I was afraid it would be more of an eyesore. Thus, I applied, scraped, applied, eyeballed from all angles and smoothed until the mud was on the corners and the corners were as smooth and rounded as I could get them with a putty knife. After the mud dried, I used a damp rag to smooth it out more and finally used a light grade sand paper to finish. The texture spray was almost my undoing. I never could get it to match the original wall texture but did get it to a point to where I could say “If anyone gets close enough to that to notice and tell me it doesn’t match I’ll just shove their nose into it.”

Once the texture had dried I painted. That’s when I noticed that the scratch test areas I’d painted three days before were a bit darker than the wall color. “Is that the color or is that a shadow? It’s just a shadow. No, it’s the color. No can’t be. Damn.” There’s only one area where the newer non-matching paint is terribly noticeable and, of course, it’s the area that is right out in front when people come in the front door. Heck with it, that’s a small wall, I’ll paint it the whole wall with the new paint one day and no one will ever know.

bustedbullnose4In spite of the non-matching texture and paint, the repaired corners look great compared to their badly damaged state. The issues are small and while the slightly darker paint color does provide an irritation when I roll past, it’s a mild irritation in the greater scheme of things that I can make better when I get a round tuit.

 

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Billiam’s List Patio Furniture

08 Tuesday Apr 2014

Posted by Jean in Uncategorized, Wood Crafts

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DIY, do it yourself, home furniture, ottoman, patio furniture, storage bench, wood craft

My husband was a big man. He was 6’4″ tall and weighed 300 lbs.  We wanted nice patio furniture, but couldn’t find a thing that we thought could handle over about 200 lbs. We decided we would have to build our own and that project went on his To-Do list. We had built shelves, we’d stained and installed our own baseboards and we’d built our own storage chest ottoman. We’d built them together, but he was always the brains, strength and know-how behind each project.

I decided to tackle one of the building projects he’d wanted to do and my son, John, and I made another storage chest ottoman, using the old one as our guide, for the den.

IMAG1082

After we got that basic box and lid figured out, we got cocky and started making plans for all the great furniture we’re going to build. I also started looking at Craig’s List for less expensive materials because even though building that ottoman was less expensive than buying a good quality one, it was still too expensive for me to continue buying all the materials at Home Depot. I checked Craig’s List twice a day for 3 days before an ad appeared. An elderly man was selling a side yard full of all size lumber for 60.00. Soon I had a side yard full of lumber in my pick up truck and on the way home. While we were making plans for that lumber, another ad appeared on Craig’s list. This time a fellow was selling used cabinet doors 2.00 ea. I took one look and called. Came home with a pickup bed completely jammed full of oak cabinet doors of varying sizes. With some of the smallest doors I made this planter box.

cabinetdoorplanterdoneFirst I sanded the old cabinet finish off, then painted with green house paint on the frame, painted with Behr Apple Butter paint on the insets, then sanded over the whole thing again to expose some wood. Then I went over each door with Min-Wax Espresso stain and let it soak in for about 10 minutes before thoroughly wiping the stain off. After that cured and dried I applied 3 coats of Spar Urethane to hold up in the AriDzona heat and sun. We put casters on the bottom so we can easily roll it out of the way or into a different spot after it’s filled with wet dirt and plants.

Then we got really cocky and decided it was time to try building a storage bench. We used the same paint/stain technique and used larger cabinet doors. This required a little thought because we were trying to build the bench to fit the cabinet doors, so none of the online plans we had found earlier on were useful to us. We plan to build at least one more of these benches. They will have cushioned tops, much like the storage chest ottoman, but the cushion and cover will have to be of weatherproof materials. We believe we have a handle on a brilliant weatherproof cushion cover (brilliant in all ways, including cheap to free), but need to find an inexpensive source of mildew and mold resistant foam. See the post about the Techno-clutter for another great use of the reclaimed cabinet doors and lumber.

storagebenchThe other project we’ve done so far for the patio is a coffee table made of four inexpensive craft store crates and a square of reclaimed plywood. I stained the crates with Mission Oak stain and gave them 2 coats of Spar Urethane.

cratecoffeetablefinishedI still have oodles of wood and cabinet doors left. Plenty for another bench, a picnic table, a surround to hide our messy bbq grill, several more planter boxes, a nice wooden bench with a back, and several other projects that are rumbling around in the back of my mind. All for about 160.00 thanks to Craig’s list, some elbow grease and ingenuity.

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Who am I now?

07 Monday Apr 2014

Posted by Jean in Grief, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

death of spouse, grief

Everything changes, including us. One year we’re one thing, next year or ten years later we’re something quite different. Once I was a wild child, next I was a struggling single parent totally unhappy with where I was both geographically and socially, next I was a wild spirit, unfettered, a sponge soaking up nature and formal education, strong, creative, full of joy over simple things like watching a friend’s deft, graceful hands as she mixed and kneaded frybread dough.

Then I fell in love and moved to Arizona. Still strong, over-flowing with love for my husband and utterly joyful at simple things like making sure he had a good dinner in the evenings, treating him to breakfast and coffee in bed every day to make it easier for him to get up for work, a kiss and a wave goodbye every weekday morning to let him know how much I loved him. I was, at first, convinced I could still be the self sufficient, strong, nature worshipping woman I’d been when we fell in love. This city couldn’t beat me down I thought, and I tried, over and over again, to find some part of this new place where I could just be me.

I would haul the boys out into the desert to see cactus, rocks, or pick prickly pear fruit for jelly. These jaunts became amusing memories but they weren’t terribly amusing until the broken foot healed and all the prickly pear thorns worked their way out of my skin. I tried to find poetry in the desert that others told me about, it’s austere beauty, but all I have ever seen here reminded me of the desolation of Smaug (from the book, not the movie), “The land about them grew bleak and barren, though once, as Thorin told them, it had been green and fair. There was little grass, and before long neither bush nor tree, and only broken and blackened stumps to speak of ones long vanished. They were come to the Desolation of the Dragon, and they were come at the end of the year.” Tolkien, The Hobbit

The one place I could find my free spirit again was at a local lake. Every summer I would wade out into the lake where, buoyed by the water and smiled upon by an immense blue sky, I would fish at least once a week. Between finding a rattlesnake had curled up in the shade of my folding chair, while I was in it, and the time the boys came across one and decided to “play” with it while I was fishing, my days at the lake came to an end and I began staying home.

I planted things, watered things, redecorated the kitchen, tried a great many crafts, and continued to try and keep the home front a happy place for William at the end of his stressful workdays. We finally moved out of the city and built a home on a couple of acres. This meant a long commute, but he enjoyed having the time to adjust his mind between work and home and he absolutely loved the little farm. I enjoyed it because I had more space to breathe and recreate myself, turning toward that vital part of me that requires a large amount of sky, no traffic noise, and a pool where I could water the roots of my spirit. When a spirit is as drought stricken as mine was a swimming pool is quite a good enough substitute for a lake or stream.

I threw myself back into my lifelong love of horses and collected a barn filled with ponies of all colors. I enjoyed the colors of the desert sunsets, enjoyed the ponies and lived for the evenings and weekends when William came home and my love and joy with him would remind me why I was still here. But he’s gone, and after 18 years, I find it’s not so easy to reinvent myself, to find what I packed away upon moving here and to bring to life what the pointed, poisonous and desolate desert has dried up inside. This is the vital task that must take priority over all the problems I’ve been left with. Without finding my self, my strength, my spirit, my stubborn hard headed soul, and my joy in nature, the problems and the grief will never dissipate and will compound. William planted me here and did his level best to nurture me, I have to find a way to bloom.

In the words of Kurt Vonnegut “Who am I this time?”

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